this was longer than I anticipated

I'm not sure where the urge to blog came from, I guess there's just a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head. I'm afraid i'll forget them? So into the jumbled mess that is my head, it's 6:16pm on tuesday and I'm full to the brim and ready to spill:

I need to remember to watch The Usual Suspects and The Blood Diamond ..several reliable ( as in, I trust they're judgement of my likes and dislikes and/or they have great taste) sources have insisted that I snag them from blockbuster, so I'm going to get on that this week......edit: and that movie Nathan keeps talking about, something about heavy and light things....it's French? His taste in foreign films is pretty impeccable, and unlike Jake (sup Ichi the Killer) I have never been disappointed in a selection. Thoughts on the title are appreciated...

Work....I have mixed feelings about it. Got another raise today, that's cool...but I also had to face my manager about coming in late yesterday ( mental head slap) and she took that as an avenue to "evaluate my skills".........in all reality the whole thing is a catch 22 of sorts. My customer service is off the charts, literally, which is awesome I guess, but how hard is it to chit-chat and be social? People are generally receptive to light conversation so it blows my mind that I'm leading the store in customer comments by a landslide. It's quite simple. Ask questions, listen and actually care, and answer honestly if asked any questions. That's all. People look for you to let down your "Everything peachy, I'm just going to take your order and smile" wall, so give in! Its therapeutic for both parties. Anyway, the comment was made that although it's very busy and I am doing great at keeping super fresh coffee brewing constantly and keeping the pastrie case filled and pristine, it's been noticed that I neglect to get very many side jobs done. *sigh* this is really frustrating, because 8 times out of ten I work a busy shift, which pretty much means I have a steady stream ( or line to the door ) of customers from the minuet I walk in to the minuet I clock out. I never stop doing things that need to be done immediately, so the things that are "sometime today" sort of tasks get shoved aside. Now i could, technically speaking, neglect customers a bit and get behind on stocking in order to do some of these, but then the evaluation would knock that for sure. It just sucks when they're telling you there's a problem and I need to work on it, yet for the life of me I can't figure out how to fix it. Lets just hope its slow the next few shifts, then i can clean like a demon and get some brownie points.

The girls at work have been AMAZING. I'm sort of down in the dumps a little, so unless I'm busy or distracted my mind starts to dwell on a recent break up, which well, screws me on the happy scale. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be better because of it, and who knows, i may have even learned somethings about myself, but it still sucks. I guess the first real one's always a hard thing to get over, but even more than that I'm feeling like i lost the friend I had in him too. Talk about a heart break or what? So as I'm getting through that ( obnoxious) stage where my heart skips a beat when I see a 6 on Veterans ( and then instantly feel bummed beyond belief) and even the dumbest things can make my eyes well up a bit, all of the girls I work with have been a rock. The advise, and pep-talks ( which always work on me), the hugs, the distractions they provide - it means everything to me.

Which brings me to Jake. I...didn't really make a lot of time for him when I was wrapped up in that relationship...I didn't really make a lot of time for anyone. ( even me? does that make sense?) And yet he was always there when i needed him... and now, more than ever, I'm so glad he knows me. In a perfect world Syracuse and buffalo would be close to here, and then I'd be surrounded by people who know how to handle me when I've lost sight of whats important, however I'll never be that lucky. Jake though, wow. He just knows what to do with me, whether i just need to cry/talk/bitch/reason/ask questions I already know the answers to and he just needs to listen, or I need to be shaken by the shoulders to throw some sense into me, or even just distract me from all of it by pulling me into his group of friends where horseplay and sarcasm rule all. Going to the movies with them tonight, went night swimming last night....they're great, and I'm excited.

Fourth of July. I would love to get on the water for the fireworks, but the slight hitch in that plan is the depressing lack of water anywhere near here. Screw you Illinois, get a lake. Or 50. I want to see fireworks, or course, because I usually miss them ( Thanks Canada. way to be a Debby Downer), but as of now I have no plans. Which sucks.

my cell phone. i hate it. next topic.

I've been looking into rowing in Peoria twice a week, just for kicks, because I need something to do with myself, I'm getting itchy just...being here. I could race this weekend in Storm Lake IA, but 7 hours is a lot of gas money I don't have. I'm really really bummed and don't want to think about how I could be racing this weekend.
Reminds me, I'm psyched about the REC trips and Ultimate Frisbee on Tuesdays and Sundays at chiddix.

My hair's too light and my cheeks are pink. I need to cool it with this sun thing.

I'm hooked on this sweet Jason miraz CD I found. It's him playing in a coffee shop somewhere, and although the quality is crappy and the sound sucks a bit, it's pretty legit and I'm addicted. Oh Jason, marry me.

I still run. I still hate it. Everything's fitting nicer though, can't complain too much.

I'm going to buy a fish soon. Or something.

I'm looking at ISU more as a portal to another school, which is funny, because to some people, ISU is "the goal " Gross, not me. I'm going to throw myself into next year and then transfer, I need to get out of this town.

Still thinking about racing with Perkins for Rochester, I guess he's freed up a bit and so if i can get there we're golden. It's just money's a bitch, as always. Excited about nationals.

I think I'm going with my family to Peak n Peak. I no longer have a good reason to stay here and cause a bunch of problems ( other than work... which in and of itself is Almost worth it.) I'm starting to think that maybe it'll be good for me. Hard to say though, there's no doubt Ill be really lonely and have far too much time by myself to think about ....all the things I've been trying not to think about. Plus, you have to keep up the "everythings perfect" facade with this part of the family, which will be tough. Who knows though. Maybe things will be better in a week.


Alright....i'm sure i'm forgetting something. But for now, that's all. I apologize for the horrific attempt at good grammar and complete thoughts, but like i said this is all just flowing out of my fingertips as i think it.

I'm off to shower and head to Jake's. good kid.

It blew my mind when i found out Cow Tails were candy, not Off Brand Beef Jerky

Wellll. I would like to adress a few things here.

I would like to start by thanking Hearltand for deisgning they're computer lab so that the girl two computers down from me can't read over my shoulder. You guys rock. remind me to write you into my will so i can donate money in order to replace the ugly hat on that statue-man on the wall. (Heatlanders, you know the one i mean...he sort of naps on the wall there behind you, forever suspended by a few hooks and a lack of general purpose anywhere else in the building)

I think it should be written into the rules somehwere between "no shirt, no shoes, no service" (and to the guy that coined that importal phrase; well i'll write you into my will for a new hat too. ) and "no pets" that you should avoid smelling like curry. At all costs. I mean really, have you ever heard anyone say, " Mmmmm i smell curry! Do you smell that? God i just want to smell that for hours on end. "

And hey! while we're at it lets add "Deoderant is a MUST" right after "no pets".

So in any event, as this deceptively lovely girl is asphixiaiting the entire population of students who blew off highschool and are paying for it now, all i can do is watch her munch on a cow tails. Notice the plural form of "tail" there, because i think she's plowed through 15 or 1 of them. for those of you unfamaliar with CowTails, they're in the check out lane of the grocerie store and in a white wrapper with a cow jumping over a moon. essentially If you were to stretch a Gomez Carmel Creme thing (that my grandma always keeps in her purse) until it screamed in agony, thats what a cow tail is. Honeslty though, up until about 1 year ago i was convinced they were a byproduct of Slim Jims. MMMM refined cow parts.

It BLEW my mind when i found out these were Not the offspring of unruly beef jerky sticks and Aldi brand Spam. Go figure.

march 26

Crap. The instant i wrote the date i realized i forgot to ask off work for when chris comes home and that mid-april weekend. Awesome.

Im glad i have pretty much no money (after going on a late night juice escapade....i'm down to 2 bucks and 87 cents.)and yet i'm still shopping online. I really really really need a new pair of raingear pants. Two years ago they were lookin pretty short and "broken in" i suppose is a delicate way to put it.... but now...WOW. mind you they do fit, they're just, oh i dunno, 8 inches too short. sweet. plus the vinel is rubbed off the knees and anywhere my harness rubs on it....so basically they serve no purpose. Fabulous. No normally this woudln't be very problematic, HOWEVER i have two regattas quickly approaching and let me tell you, if we flip the boat i WILL freeze to death. Average water temp in may? when sometimes its still snowing? Oh...i dunno, maybe 40 degrees if i'm lucky. In any event, although i do plan to wear a "longie" body glove insted of and one of my cherished "shorties", raingear pants are pretty much a necessity unless may 17 decides to rock my world with some 75 degree weather. So dad. love of mine. check this http://www.pointlomaoutfitting.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=JSGCA&Category_Code=RON

OK! moving right along! i need to step it up with the weight loss. Blah blah keep your coments to yourself, i'm sick of being fat too. But matt, darling, if you put on one more pound i will take it upon my self to start cutting off your body parts that i deem unnessessary. I mean i know i bitched about having tp put ona few inthe first place, but now that it finally gets to come off i'm finding it slow going. SO now im joining the millions of americans in the "race to weight loss"

except im gonna win. whores.

And ok. enough about the facebook status. really. yes i wonder too. but who cares. it's small potatoes.


ok, time to get some work done.

foolproof plan

*names have been changed to protect identities <--- haha just like in readers digest

So the latest-

I'm super bummed about not going to see the hockey game on friday. Why, you ask? Well Amtrack's a group of bitches and because this weekend's spring break and all of the students get kicked out of the dorm, they jacked up the prices....like 220%. Sweet. However! I was able to snag the last few tickets for BF* and me, we're going to chi-town for the day. Not sure what the game plan is beyond that, but we have the whole day to blow and we're creative kids so i'm sure we'll have a blast. Honestly i woudl be perfectly content just walking a ton, maybe getting lost, finding some hole-in-the-wall - who knows.
Spent far too much time on the phone with Jack Sparrow*, i mean really, how long can you talk about nothing? He chitchatted about his plans for this weekend and his lack of motivation to do his english, got nostalgic about a song on the radio ("our"song. oh honey. move on.... i just played dumb and changed the subject) and i sort of jetted around my room doin a quick clean up. I also cleaned out my monster of a purse and really just thought about who i'd rather be on the phone with. ( BF - no suprise there. even listening to 4 second voicemails he leaves has me grinning for half an hour ) CJS is probably my best friend though, so hopefully in time things will be 100% back to normal.
The Protector* called today just to inform me that he and his other half might be free tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure he feels terrible about the fact that they've consistantly been blowing me off the past 2 months - with the exception of lunch last week. Well i miss them both. Hope that the rest of the lunch table, or at least the townies, can make it out too. not Tall Tree*. as much as i miss him, he can feel free to not come. I'm a jerk, whatever.
I have a pretty big exam for psyk tomorrow, we'll see how it goes....which reminds me i really should be studying for that...
Teken*s been on my mind a lot lately, he wants me to visit. We'll see. He's really been a rock lately, andi find that he's the only complete support i've got in regards to my relationship status with BF*. Go figure. OO on that note he's comming home for spring break, and i'm totally psyked.
Hope that Scarlet Begonia's is feeling better soon, i'm so stoked to see her over break and get in some hookah.

So here's to hoping this week flies by without a hiccup, the weekend is going to be the best i've had in a long time. I can't wait to do nothing with him, you have no idea.

love always,
the one starlet ( with the flowers in her hair*)

"there's a light on in Chicgao, and i know i should be home...but all the colors of the street signs - they remind me of the pick up truck out in front of your neighbors house..."

Love, i'm sorry, Our Beach will have to wait.

you always were the boy of a thousand words
so sing to me
-about me-
and i'll promise not to notice

Remember when that camera flashed?
we both smiled so hopelessly
and though honey eyes and sad lips betray
(they always do),
I was faking.

your cheeks are too rosy
like someone pinched them
our famaliar rope-burns
evidence of carelessness and distraction

your right shoe is untied and
your mothers ring is on my favorite finger
you grab my shoulders and
a bold voice and calloused hands plead-
"neither sun nor moon can tear us apart"

you laugh at my wide eyes and crooked smile
i laugh at your bare feet and silly dreams
you have such silly dreams

sand on my cheek clings relentlessly
-the fatal kiss of summer-
and the last day hums its desperate melody
there's no fooling us now

i never imagined it this way

I'm on a hunt- A quest really- to find a few things.

1) The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
2) My burberry glasses
3) Crack the case- nevermind, thank you chris
4) White Squall
4) My old blue cell phone
5) Holy crap, there's two number fours.
6) My favorite 2nd favorite sunglasses, my visor, my right sailing glove, 40 shackles and about 60 billion pins. ( check lakes and oceans. )
7)That pink bra
8) My ipod wall charger
9) The 30,000 socks my dryer ate
10) Those blue adidas flip flops ( beach )


...to be continued