this was longer than I anticipated

I'm not sure where the urge to blog came from, I guess there's just a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head. I'm afraid i'll forget them? So into the jumbled mess that is my head, it's 6:16pm on tuesday and I'm full to the brim and ready to spill:

I need to remember to watch The Usual Suspects and The Blood Diamond ..several reliable ( as in, I trust they're judgement of my likes and dislikes and/or they have great taste) sources have insisted that I snag them from blockbuster, so I'm going to get on that this week......edit: and that movie Nathan keeps talking about, something about heavy and light things....it's French? His taste in foreign films is pretty impeccable, and unlike Jake (sup Ichi the Killer) I have never been disappointed in a selection. Thoughts on the title are appreciated...

Work....I have mixed feelings about it. Got another raise today, that's cool...but I also had to face my manager about coming in late yesterday ( mental head slap) and she took that as an avenue to "evaluate my skills".........in all reality the whole thing is a catch 22 of sorts. My customer service is off the charts, literally, which is awesome I guess, but how hard is it to chit-chat and be social? People are generally receptive to light conversation so it blows my mind that I'm leading the store in customer comments by a landslide. It's quite simple. Ask questions, listen and actually care, and answer honestly if asked any questions. That's all. People look for you to let down your "Everything peachy, I'm just going to take your order and smile" wall, so give in! Its therapeutic for both parties. Anyway, the comment was made that although it's very busy and I am doing great at keeping super fresh coffee brewing constantly and keeping the pastrie case filled and pristine, it's been noticed that I neglect to get very many side jobs done. *sigh* this is really frustrating, because 8 times out of ten I work a busy shift, which pretty much means I have a steady stream ( or line to the door ) of customers from the minuet I walk in to the minuet I clock out. I never stop doing things that need to be done immediately, so the things that are "sometime today" sort of tasks get shoved aside. Now i could, technically speaking, neglect customers a bit and get behind on stocking in order to do some of these, but then the evaluation would knock that for sure. It just sucks when they're telling you there's a problem and I need to work on it, yet for the life of me I can't figure out how to fix it. Lets just hope its slow the next few shifts, then i can clean like a demon and get some brownie points.

The girls at work have been AMAZING. I'm sort of down in the dumps a little, so unless I'm busy or distracted my mind starts to dwell on a recent break up, which well, screws me on the happy scale. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll be better because of it, and who knows, i may have even learned somethings about myself, but it still sucks. I guess the first real one's always a hard thing to get over, but even more than that I'm feeling like i lost the friend I had in him too. Talk about a heart break or what? So as I'm getting through that ( obnoxious) stage where my heart skips a beat when I see a 6 on Veterans ( and then instantly feel bummed beyond belief) and even the dumbest things can make my eyes well up a bit, all of the girls I work with have been a rock. The advise, and pep-talks ( which always work on me), the hugs, the distractions they provide - it means everything to me.

Which brings me to Jake. I...didn't really make a lot of time for him when I was wrapped up in that relationship...I didn't really make a lot of time for anyone. ( even me? does that make sense?) And yet he was always there when i needed him... and now, more than ever, I'm so glad he knows me. In a perfect world Syracuse and buffalo would be close to here, and then I'd be surrounded by people who know how to handle me when I've lost sight of whats important, however I'll never be that lucky. Jake though, wow. He just knows what to do with me, whether i just need to cry/talk/bitch/reason/ask questions I already know the answers to and he just needs to listen, or I need to be shaken by the shoulders to throw some sense into me, or even just distract me from all of it by pulling me into his group of friends where horseplay and sarcasm rule all. Going to the movies with them tonight, went night swimming last night....they're great, and I'm excited.

Fourth of July. I would love to get on the water for the fireworks, but the slight hitch in that plan is the depressing lack of water anywhere near here. Screw you Illinois, get a lake. Or 50. I want to see fireworks, or course, because I usually miss them ( Thanks Canada. way to be a Debby Downer), but as of now I have no plans. Which sucks.

my cell phone. i hate it. next topic.

I've been looking into rowing in Peoria twice a week, just for kicks, because I need something to do with myself, I'm getting itchy just...being here. I could race this weekend in Storm Lake IA, but 7 hours is a lot of gas money I don't have. I'm really really bummed and don't want to think about how I could be racing this weekend.
Reminds me, I'm psyched about the REC trips and Ultimate Frisbee on Tuesdays and Sundays at chiddix.

My hair's too light and my cheeks are pink. I need to cool it with this sun thing.

I'm hooked on this sweet Jason miraz CD I found. It's him playing in a coffee shop somewhere, and although the quality is crappy and the sound sucks a bit, it's pretty legit and I'm addicted. Oh Jason, marry me.

I still run. I still hate it. Everything's fitting nicer though, can't complain too much.

I'm going to buy a fish soon. Or something.

I'm looking at ISU more as a portal to another school, which is funny, because to some people, ISU is "the goal " Gross, not me. I'm going to throw myself into next year and then transfer, I need to get out of this town.

Still thinking about racing with Perkins for Rochester, I guess he's freed up a bit and so if i can get there we're golden. It's just money's a bitch, as always. Excited about nationals.

I think I'm going with my family to Peak n Peak. I no longer have a good reason to stay here and cause a bunch of problems ( other than work... which in and of itself is Almost worth it.) I'm starting to think that maybe it'll be good for me. Hard to say though, there's no doubt Ill be really lonely and have far too much time by myself to think about ....all the things I've been trying not to think about. Plus, you have to keep up the "everythings perfect" facade with this part of the family, which will be tough. Who knows though. Maybe things will be better in a week.


Alright....i'm sure i'm forgetting something. But for now, that's all. I apologize for the horrific attempt at good grammar and complete thoughts, but like i said this is all just flowing out of my fingertips as i think it.

I'm off to shower and head to Jake's. good kid.